The End Draws Near
She awoke..the ringing fo the phone bringing her to life,
They told her to bring him for treatment,
she was sorry ...she had been up so laate with him,
she overslept.
she went to him..to stir him...to wake him from his slumber,
he didnt move
eyes glazed and opened...
breathing ragged and shallow...
she shook him..begging him to come back to her.....
he could only makes seemly heart wretching moans...his eyes remained transfixed.....
she knew he wished to go...
they had spoken often of it....
she was weak..she failed him as she ran to the phone....
the ambulance screamed in....as neighbors doors opened to the sound
they were familiar with him as they have been there many times before.
the parmedic looked at me...shook his head..and said he had never seen him this bad before.
i was trembling...my thoughts running wild...
i watched as they struggled to lift his deaden weight to the gurney....
he was wisked outside...into the ambulance....
the light and siren blaring...i raced behind...85 in a 45...four ways flashing...
seeing them flash..wondering if his heart was beating that regularly...
the hospital coolness shatters my reserve...
they wouldnt allow me back...
i was helpless...not able to be there for him...
i let him down.
The pacing goes back and forth..
i smoke a fourth cigrette..and think of last night..
running through everything...what did i miss....
a single tear starting to fall
i angerily wipe it quickly away...
a useless emotion at a useless place..
the nurse beckons to me...
he is awake but confused.....
i go to him... he is still stifly on the table...
arms as if tied to it..unable to move
we have gotten though this one...
will there be a next?
yes probably...and i will fail him there as well...
i will not let him go
will call an ambulance
i want him to fight...
but the fight has left him
so i must fight for him.
till the end
as it comes closer
before the darkness creeps in
overtaking his soul...
The Home
her eyes were filled with her tears....
her stomach knotted in pain...
she called him to say goodnight....
his tears...slicing her like a knife....
he beckoned her to him...
she came with no hesitation....
to the place that he would die...
The smell surrounding her as she entered...
The halls silent and cold....
his door being closed...
she stopped to take a deep breathe.....
pushing it open to be greeted by darkness....
he sat in the shadows.... feeling alone and forgotten...
her heart filling with anguish and pain....
knowing he no longer wished to remain...
his face ..the sadness etched in the skin....
tore at her making her feel like she commited a mortal sin....
she could see the pain buried in his eyes....
matching hers...as she tried not to cry....
feeling so lost and alone she knew....
knowing that nothing she could say or do....
could ease his lonliness, are make him subdued...
Her love for him causing the pain....
his illness draining her bare....
knowing there is nothing more for her to do here...
she kisses him softly...
her tears mingling with his....
i love you he says...
his arms around her tight....
she says to him with her falling tears...
holding him close...not wishing to go...
i love you and you will always have my soul......
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My husband, a very special person, last summer before he became so badly ill. I will not use a picture from now as you would not see the true him. He no longer appears as the Man i love.. In fact is no longer the man i love..his illness has robbed us of that. Now he is the patient and I the nurse.
My husband is dying due to severe juvineile diabetes that had never been in control and the fact that he ignored many repeated warnings of many Doctors as well. Because of that he suffers from end stage renal failure, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, his arteries are hardening, his heart is enlarging, his digestive sytem is starting to fail, causing a IV to be worn 24/7, he has had several TIA's and one seisure that through him into a unresponsive state for 4 days. I do know that my husbnad has very limited time on this plane left, but that doesn't mean that I will still not feel the pain or emptiness when he is gone, besides the feelings of relief that he is no longer enduring such pain.
As of 6/20/00 my husband was moved to a nursing home as his care is too much for me to handle.. His doctors insisted that he now needs 24 hour nursing care. He is not handling this change well and it tears me up everytime I see him as he is very depressed. |
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